As March approaches so does the madness. And nothing exemplifies that madness more as the story of a single donut, whom albeit, does have some ball skills; and a wild dream to play in the March Madness Tournament. Crazy you may say, but this donut can play some ball. Glazed Donut, as he’s known on any schoolyard court, is a bit of a legend; in his own mind. The problem with this character, though, he is a bit half- baked.
First and foremost he is not a member of any one of the collegiate teams participating. Not to mention he is not even enrolled in any type of educational system. According to Glazed, he has been educated in the school of hard knocks. Claiming, ” I’m not a stale donut, just a bit old- fashioned.” Whatever that means. “Education is overrated, who needs it! Just give me a ball and I’ll give YOU an education on the court!” he boasts.
As we make our way to the local schoolyard court, I notice that Glazed is constantly looking over his shoulder, “Cops are always looking for me, no matter where or what time of the day, can’t seem to shake em.” As we turn towards the court, sure enough, two local police officers stop Glazed for questioning. His only crime; being too delicious.
On the court, Glazed seems to draw quite a bit of unwanted attention from the other players and spectators, and once again the local police seem to be on the prowl.
As the ball is tipped, it immediately passes through Glazed’s vacant center, almost worthy of 2 points in itself, and then quickly bounces out of bounds. After the ball is put back into play, Glazed twists and turns and charges his way to the ball, where just as quickly as he gets there, he is elbowed in the midsection by an opposing player. A foul but no contact was made.
As he makes his way to the free throw line it is soon very apparent that his shooting ability is limited. His arm length is greatly reduced by the diameter of his body. Unable to bring the ball to the front of his body, his only hope is to try a granny shot with one short arm. Imagine a T-Rex in this situation. Boos ensue and very large cups of steamy, hot coffee fill the court. Irritated by his inability to shoot free throws and his anger with the coffee thrown on the court, (although he later admitted having the desire to soak in it) he taunts the crowd with unexplainable jabs, “Your momma was an éclair!” and “You’re all just jelly-filled!” Suddenly, seemingly unfazed by the crowd, the donut goes into a zone.
With a sweet move, Glazed Donut snatches the ball from a distastefully executed inbound, slides past a defender and somehow dribbles the ball cleanly through his hole, leaving the ball crumb free. Jamming down to half court, he quickly rolls through two more defenders, dodging and diving and avoiding other players whom I believe are actually trying to take a bite out of him. As he pauses at the three- point range, he settles in for a very long jump shot. You can imagine the results, the ball does not even make it to the free throw line, it drops out of the air like a cream filled and lands with a thud. Just as fast as he made his way to the three- point area, the opposing team turns a fast break and slams it in for two.
Afterward, they lick their fingers, taunting the donut. Glazed is dejected and is seeing his dream of participating in March Madness crumbling away.
But much to my and everyone’s surprise at that coffee soaked court, Glazed Donut still has some carbs to burn. It is early in the morning, and it is common knowledge that is when a donut is at its best, it is fresh, hot out of the fryer, and there is a certain delicious smell in the air.
Given a last chance to show his merit and ball skills, Glazed causes a ” turnover” and strips the ball from the other team, executing a through- his- hole pass to a teammate who in turn passes it back to Glazed, whom without missing a beat, rolls his way towards the rim. As he approaches the hoop, the crowd stares with their mouths agape as if they are going to take a bite of something. They are silent, but anxiously awaiting to see Glazed put up another air ball. But no, he keeps on rolling closer and closer to the rim. Suddenly, almost as if it were in slow motion, Glazed slips on some coffee at the free throw line and flies up into the air, still holding the ball, he raises it up into the air, Jordan style, and proceeds to slam it home for two points! The crowd explodes, never has anyone seen a move like that, let alone from food. They seem to be having a difficult time digesting what they have just seen. The game continues as Glazed Donut repeatedly dunks his way into history.
No longer the edible joke on the court, Glazed has become a true legend. This donut can play ball. Unfortunately, his one and only shot is limited to dunking. There won’t be an invite to March Madness due to that whole education thing. However, he does have a lucrative future in being a spokes -donut. Coffee shops will be lining up for blocks to sign him. Oh, the sweet smell of success.
On a sad note.
Several weeks have gone by and there has been no sign of Glazed Donut on any local court. Rumor has it he was last seen being put into an unmarked van early in the morning one cold and rainy day. Later, that very day the same van was spotted at a coin-op carwash, two shady characters were seen suspiciously vacuuming out extremely large crumbs from inside. No questions were asked and the van slipped away into the darkness. Glazed Donut has not been seen since.